Puff on this Grandad…

25 Apr

Josh Glancy, writing in the Sunday times this week, said of Ronan Farrow the boy-genius reporter and son of the unholy alliance between Mia Farrow and Woody Allen: ” He is typically millennial: woke, phone obsessed, social-media savvy, arch and sexually ambiguous.” Of these six descriptions my grandfather would only have recognised ‘arch’. I myself struggled with ‘woke’ but now my urban dictionary has put me right.

The night before reading this my weekend confusion had been initiated by the banality of the Queen’s birthday bash at the Albert Hall. Shaggy and Sting were grandstanding incoherently; Craig David sang something inappropriate about shagging; Alfie Boe screamed frantically into his microphone and Tom Jones croaked his way through It’s Not Unusual in a particularly arthritic way.

The Queen, with Camilla and Charlie boy alongside, barely broke into anything but a sneer. When she did smile it was of the private joke variety, “Don’t tell me, I bet it’s Kylie Minogue next.” And so it was.

I couldn’t think of a more confusing and unappealing night for our 92year old monarch. Zoe Ball seems to have risen via the Peter Principle to a job that she can’t do – i.e. host a major event. The whole thing was rescued by the BBC Concert Orchestra and the magnificent Ladysmith Black Mambazo. Their humble, brilliant harmonies – particularly on that wonderful lament Homeless – were captivating. They even rescued Sir Tom as he sang The Green, Green Grass of Home, the uplifting ditty of a man about to be executed.

The shots of Queenie going back in time were an effective distraction. She didn’t want to be reminded, however, that she once was in the thrall of George Formby. The sight and sound of Harry Hill, Frank Skinner and Ed. the Gangnam Balls strumming ukuleles and belting out When I’m Cleaning Windows set the seal on a night of bemusement. Bizarre.

And so we moved on this week to Amber Rudd desperately trying to mop up the Windrush  mess in her kitchen while the dishwasher continues to leak. The only response of any opposition these days is to froth at the mouth and bellow ‘Resign’. Amber is in mid-grovel as I type. She’s on to a lose-lose but I hope the Windrushers end up with a win-win..or at least turn their lose into a win.

Jezza meanwhile had a meeting with Jewish leaders where he seems to have convinced them that his party is more anti-Semitic than was the case before the meeting. How does that happen?

And then Liverpool go and score 5 goals against Roma.

Now I see Macron holding hands with the Donald. Confusing or what?

My Grandad would say, “Now let me light my pipe and let’s think about it.”

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