Archive | April, 2017

The real truth….made in Chelsea.

17 Apr

I found myself, yesterday, in a sports pub, not far from Stamford Bridge. The clock ticked round to kick-off time. The big game, Man. Utd v Chelsea. Atmosphere, convivial – despite a clutch of red supporters on San Miguel. The locals were on Stella.

I was alone, at the bar, enjoying eavesdropping. There were some tough ladies bantering leeringly with hairy-armed, tattooed men. The balls on the two pool tables were clacking away and young turks brandishing their cues were impolite in asking me to shift for their potting. I noted that they didn’t brave the impertinence of a request to the thicker-set Stella men. They wouldn’t have taken kindly to moving at all.

The players were coming out at Old Trafford. I counted six screens. The regulars had commandeered seats and stools with good sound and vision of at least two. Don’t watch the projection mate, definition’s shit and the speaker’s fucked. I dared not take the advice so warmly offered and found myself a bar stool next to a tight group of four or five burly men engaged in animated conversation. Kim Jong-un’s a fuckin’ nutter/ So’s fuckin’ Trump/ Let’s face it, the world’s run by fuckin’ nutters/ Putin’s the worst and there’s the Turkish guy who’s power-mad/ What about the Chinese?/ Makes Brexit look small beer/ I voted Brexit, bloody good job/ Don’t make no fuckin’ difference what anyone voted, bastards at the top get more and we get less/Players are coming out/ C’mon Chelsea…

More Stella was ordered before kick-off and as Chelsea began in the lacklustre fashion that was to continue for the rest of the match, the United supporters in front of the big screen were quite content that the HD wasn’t in good order and they couldn’t hear the commentary. They happily spilt their San Miguels with wild cheers as Rashford opened the scoring; the boys near me fulminated. I fuckin’ hate Man Utd, summed it up.

By half time the writing was on the wall and the Chelsea boys seemed strangely resigned to defeat. The toilet was crowded with lager being expelled to make room for more. The bar remained convivial. A woman had joined my group. Four Stellas and a large Chardonnay for the lady..Her analysis of the match was accurate and incisive: They want it more and Hazzard can’t cope with a bloke up his arse the whole time..Pretty much what I thought, actually.

When Herrera scored United’s second, the game was all but done. The lady finished her Chardonnay. I’m off to get the kids’ tea. Can’t piss it up all afternoon. If we’re goin’ down Brighton tomorrow there’s a few things need doin’. So don’t hang about. She was staring at one of the more menacing individuals who smiled and offered: Yeh, See you soon, babe..

Indeed as the match ended, he drained his beer and said his farewells. He had to be home, jobs to do, an outing tomorrow and work on Tuesday. I wondered how a  Trump or Putin or Kim Yong-un or Assad or Erdogan would have responded to a sports-pub ultimatum issued by such a woman. A woman who doesn’t back down.

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